Idiot
by SunMoonAndSpoon
Summary: The cast of Death Note address the subject of sneezing in very different ways...look out for B eating snot, Matsuda ruining forensic evidence, and L refusing to give up his beloved cookies no matter what they do to him.


Title: Idiot  
Author: SunMoonAndSpoon  
Rating: H for Higuchi.  
Characters/Pairings: Mikami, Ryuk, Light, Misa, Matsuda, Ide, Aizawa, L, B, Mello, Higuchi.  
Warnings: See the rating. There's a fairly bizarre, but not horribly graphic sex scene involving him. I think that's about it.  
Word Count: 2,343  
Notes: The theme is 'sneeze', and it's for week # 17 at dn contest on Livejournal. In this collection of drabbles, Light tries to explain to Ryuk what sneezing is for, lots of people call each other idiots, and Misa has an insincere conversation with the girl who's she's up against for a part in _Guys & Dolls._ And other things happen. I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you'll have fun reading it, too.

* * *

"_Heh…heh…hepchoo_!" Light sniffles a few times, then swipes a tissue from the box on his desk and blows his nose.

"What was that?" asks Ryuk, hovering dangerously close to Light's left ear. "Did you just explode or something?"

"No," Light says, rolling his eyes and clearing his desk to make room for his history textbook. "I sneezed. Haven't you ever seen anybody do that before? It's a fairly common occurrence in human beings."

"If I saw it, I probably wasn't paying attention. I'm not completely fascinated by every little thing you humans do, you know." Light mutters something like _you could have fooled me_, and Ryuk presses on, asks, "so what is this sneezing thing for, anyway?"

"It's an attempt to get rid of potentially harmful microorganisms. Germs frequently enter through the nasal passages, and sneezing is one of many defenses against that."

Ryuk bites thoughtfully into his apples and says, "oh, I get it. Germs causes disease, right? There are many diseases that can kill you humans, so I can see why you would want to avoid them." He stops and takes another bite out of his apple, spraying Light with juice and saliva. Light comes very close to snatching the apple right out of his leathery hands. "Hey," Ryuk says, "do you think a human could die from sneezing? Like if I wrote that down in the Death Note, d'you think it'd work?"

Light sighs, says "I don't know Ryuk, you're the Death God, shouldn't _you_ know?" Ryuk's face remains as blank as an unpainted wall, so Light tells him that he doubts it. "I'm sure the Death Note could arrange for it somehow, but sneezing isn't usually fatal. I suppose if you had a fit while driving or operating heavy machinery you might lose control and have an accident. Also, a long enough fit might stop you from breathing properly, which could be problematic. For the most part though, I think it's pretty unlikely."

Ryuk grins widely and says, "thanks Light. You're pretty smart, for a human."

* * *

"Backup, what the hell are you doing?" Mello asks, kicking the jam-encrusted back of his knee. Mello doesn't even want to know how he got jam there. He does, however, want to know why B is rooting through the garbage in L's room. And placing what appear to be snot-soaked tissues in a neat little pile on his lap.

B stares at Mello for a long and unnerving two minutes. "Did you see L today?" he demands, plucking another tissue form the trashcan. When Mello shakes his head B says, "oh, well then, I should tell you. L is sick today. He has a _coooooolllddd_."

"Uh. Okay, sucks to be him?" Mello says, taking a step or two backwards. "This doesn't actually explain anything, B."

"Yes it does." B begins to gnaw on one of the tissues, and when he scoops a bit of snot into his mouth Mello protests in disgust. "I am trying to obtain his ailment. If I am to be L, I must do everything exactly as he does. It is unacceptable for me to remain healthy while he is unwell."

"I doubt that L got sick by eating snotrags," Mello says. "You're a fucking psycho, you know that?"

B does not appear to have heard him. "I'm not sure if I will be able to replicate his symptoms exactly," he says. "When I catch colds they tend to effect my throat more, whereas his involve more sneezing and congestion. I have a number of methods with which I intend to combat this, and--" Mello doesn't listen to the rest of it. He stomps out of the room, yelling loudly about what an idiot B is.

A part of him wishes that he could be that devoted to becoming L--he hates it that B outstrips his dedication. But the rest of him is just glad he's not a fucking lunatic.

* * *

Misa smiles widely at one of her many rivals, and watches her take chemical-laden sips of Diet Coke. "I'm sure you'll get the part, Honoka-chan," she says cloyingly, her grin stretching almost as far as her face does. "You're a much better actress than I am, and you're so much cuter! Besides, Misa isn't used to stage acting, she usually just does movies and TV. Honoka-chan has only ever acted in plays and musicals before!"

Both of them know which kind of acting is more lucrative, and which one holds the most prestige. Honoka puts on a smile that's just as plastic as Misa's and says, "don't be silly Misa-chan, you're a wonderful actress, you're adorable. My skills don't even compare to yours!" Of course they don't. But Misa decides to play nice, bring up the one things she's even remotely concerned about-her ability to fake a sneeze. Misa has never thought of this as a key point in an actress' repertoire, but if she's going to sing _Adelaide's Lament_ she's got to get it down.

"But Honoka-chan," she says, twirling the straw in her own untouched diet soda. "You'll be able to sing _Adelaide's Lament_ so much better than Misa will! I'm not very good at pretending to sneeze yet, and you have all those allergies, so you'll be able to do it naturally with no problem! That's why Misa thinks you're bound to get the part!"

"Oh, but once I get stated I can't stop!" Honoka squeaks, sniffling audibly. "I'll have to fake it just like you, Misa-chan. I don't want to get _near_ anything I'm allergic to, I'll sneeze all though the song!" Misa knew that, of course. And Misa is quite sure that she will be the one to play Adelaide.

She smiles again, and suggests that she and Honoka practice together sometime.

* * *

Light wakes up to the sound of L sneezing. It's a loud, obnoxious sound, and while he certainly won't complain about it, he resents L greatly for waking him up. Even since being handcuffed to L the workaholic insomniac, he's hardly gotten more than an hour or two of sleep every night. The room smells horrid, too, and his going to assume that this is L's fault, somehow.

He wants to glare at him, if nothing else, and so he rises up on his elbows and stares him down. Notices that his hands and face are coated in massive pink welts, and that one of his eyes is swollen shut. Next to him is a pail of vomit, which explains the stench. "Ryuzaki," he asks tentatively, "are you alright?"

L nods, plucking a cookie from a box that's sitting disgustingly close to the puke pail. "I'm fine Light, thank you for you concern. I am experiencing an allergic reaction to these cookies I'm eating. They contain walnuts."

"Why are you _eating_ them then, if you know you're allergic to them? That's ridiculous!" Light snatches the box from its place on the floor, and closes it. Takes the cookie from L's hand, as well. "You're going to kill yourself doing that, you idiot."

"I will be fine," L says icily, clearly annoyed by Light's theft. He sneezes again, scratches at one of the welts on his face. "I don't react with anaphylaxis, just the three things you see here. Now, give me back my cookies, or I shall be forced to kick you."

* * *

Teru is trying his best not to let anyone see that he's sick. Not that it matters tremendously, or at least, not that it should. He has ever right to be ill (no matter how much his mother used to bemoan the inconvenience it caused her), and it shouldn't matter to anybody as long as he does his job. Despite this, he feels that it is in his own best interest to stick close to his office, to stifle his coughs and sneezes, and say nothing of his pounding head. To somehow keep mucus from trailing down his face despite his refusal to sniffle or blow his nose.

If no one knows, no one will mention it, and then he might be able to forget about it himself. He might be able to get through the day without scrubbing his hands bloody in the sink and feeling sure that he might die from this somehow. If no one knows, he might be able to deal with his cold the way a _normal_ person would.

* * *

Oh yeah, it's been a _long_ time since Higuchi got laid. Not that the ladies aren't interested--course they are, who could resist his suave, money-laden charm?--but he's been crazy busy at Yotsuba. Sometimes work's got to come before women, but tonight is not one of those times. Tonight he's got Namikawa's secretary, a chick almost as pretty as her boss, going down on him. Sucking his manhood like an enormous lollipop. Yeah, it's so big she almost chokes on it.

Sometime after him grabbing her hair and screaming "suck it bitch!", she screws up her face and flares her nostrils. Moves quickly away from his dick and winds up sneezing convulsively into his stomach. Her snot spraying him like a bottle of Windex. You'd think that this would be a turn-off, but with her huge breasts heaving like that, it's not. He almost wants her to do it again, and maybe a little lower next time.

"Oh my _God_," she says, "Kyosuke, I'm so _sorry_, that was so _gross_! I'll leave if you want, I'm so sorry!" She leaps from the bed and gathers her discarded work-clothes, her pencil-skirt and stark-white blouse. Higuchi tells her it's okay, she can stay, but she should what she did one more time. "Um…what?" The girl cocks her head to the side, and then looks longingly at the door. Eager to leave, apparently. Fuck, she must think he's a pervert. "I can't just sneeze on command," she says, rubbing her arm with her overly moisturized hands.

"Sure you can," Higuchi says, ignoring the voice that tells him he should back down now. "We'll just get you a pepper shaker and you'll do fine."

"You're weird, Kyosuke," she says, slipping into her stunningly unsexy skirt. Shit, all he wanted was to see her tits bounce. Well, can't win 'em all. Maybe in the morning he'll write her name in the Death Note, just to make sure she doesn't spread any nasty rumors.

* * *

Spending time with Misa is more of a chore than anything else. Though it's much easier to keep her happy than it is with Takada, he is continually amazed by how ridiculous she is. Her devotion is slavish and stupid, and she never says anything that could lead to a halfway decent conversation. He's bored to death around her, and today he started feeling sick as soon as she walked in. At first he thinks he might be catching a cold, but the onset was so sudden that he doubts that that's the case. And his eyes itch, which doesn't usually happen with his colds. It feels like someone dropped a match in his sinuses, and it gets worse whenever Misa tries to snuggle with him. His nose is completely clogged by this point, but he occasionally gets a diluted whiff of her perfume. Which he's starting to think is the cause of his discomfort.

After sneezing several times, he asks Misa if she's wearing any perfume today. His voice is so congested it's embarrassing, and he leans away from her in hopes of improving this. "Oh, yes!" she says, hugging his arm and smiling happily. "Misa just got this new perfume, it's supposed to smell like vanilla frosting! Does Light-kun like it?"

"No," he says bluntly, almost pouting. "I think I'm allergic to it. Would you _please_ go wash off if you're going to be around me? This is not fun." Misa starts apologizing profusely, but she doesn't actually leave for a long time. Light's left eye has to swell up before she does.

* * *

One morning during Matsuda's third week at the police station, he is asked to go with Ide and Aizawa to check the scene of a recent crime for fingerprints. He's absolutely delighted to be asked to do anything besides fetching coffee, and he reacts by calling everyone he knows with the good news. "They finally asked me to do something!" he crows, "they think I'm going to be _useful_!"

When they arrive on the scene the place is a disaster. The victim had been something of a slob, so it's no surprise that every flat surface is covered in dust, and that every corner is shrouded in cobwebs. Matsuda thinks this is fantastic. "Isn't this just like one of those old detective movies?" he asks. Ide and Aizawa pay no attention to him.

"Look, Ide, I found the fingerprints," Aizawa says gruffly after over an hour searching. Matsuda goes to look too, despite the fact that he hasn't been called. The fingerprints are fragile things, imprinted more strongly in the sheets of dust than on the filing cabinet they're standing next to. And there's _a lot_ of dust. So much that it's becoming a nuisance. The dust is making his nose itch like crazy, and he really doesn't want to sneeze on the evidence, that would be _bad bad bad_, but he isn't going to have time to turn away entirely and "_HYAAAKACHOO_!" Yeah. Bad. Aizawa and Ide are staring at him like they want to kill him, and the fingerprints are none too clear.

"I'm sorry!" he says, waving his hands in front of his face. They keep staring at him like he just clubbed a baby seal. "I'm really sorry guys, I totally didn't mean to do that at all, and I bet there are tons of other fingerprints we could use!" Aizawa snaps at him that no, there actually aren't. "We looked, Matsuda. That was it. Thanks a lot for contaminating the evidence, you idiot."

That afternoon, he calls his mother and tells her that he screwed up big time.


End file.
